20 Oct Top 10 Tips for Moms Getting Divorced
A Mama’s Guide to the Do’s and Don’ts Through Every Step of Divorce
Divorce is already hard enough. When you add kids into the mix, divorce can become even more complicated. We understand these can be hard times. It feels like there is so much you have to understand and know when filing for divorce, but don’t worry. We are here to help you know the best things to do when you’re a mama filing for divorce. Read below for the Top 10 Tips for Moms Getting Divorced.
Divorce Tip #1
Think about your finances early in the process. If your marriage is heading for a divorce, start planning EARLY so you have the means to support yourself and your children when your spouse leaves.
Based on our experience, you cannot rely on their promise of continued support during the divorce process. Even the most amicable situations can become divisive drawn-out battles.
Plan for it in advance. If things turn out agreeable– then you still come out ahead! If they do not, you aren’t completely unprepared.
Divorce Tip #2
Consult an attorney right away! Arm yourself with as much information as you can. Learn what your rights are, how division of property works, what options you will have concerning your home, belongings, and custody/visitation of your children. It never hurts to have the information, but in the case a divorce is actually filed, you will want Temporary Orders in place, especially with regard to your children.
An attorney can explain the importance of this to you and how it will protect you in the months to come.
Divorce Tip #3
Once the divorce process has begun, try to reach an agreement on as many issues as you can with your partner. Learn to compromise on the little things. Decide what issues are absolute deal breakers.
What issues are weighing on your heart and are most important to you? Determine the issues that are most vital to you, then try your best not to get worked up and fight about minute details. This will add up financially and emotionally.
Remember that as the divorce process goes on, you might become wearier. The more you can agree on, the better. Then you will have fewer issues left that you want to present to the court. You can show that you have been very reasonable throughout the process and the Judge will look favorably upon you, seeing that you are not trying to create drama and chaos. This will help your case!
Divorce Tip #4
Don’t participate in Text Wars. This can be a tough one, but a simple text can come back to haunt you later. If you lose your temper and send a negative message to your-soon-to-be-ex, everyone will receive a copy of it later in court and you will be held accountable for it.
You may feel justified because of the inflicted pain and suffering upon you, but you will have to explain yourself on the stand. Defending this evidence, will not paint you in a good light.
If your spouse is texting you, trying to incite a response, or harassing you, try not to respond, no matter how difficult it is. Document their attempts, and be ready to submit them to the court. By showing their bad behavior, and how you did not take the bait, you will appear as the mature party in the matter, and that will help your case.
Divorce Tip #5
Follow your instincts. Hating your estranged spouse’s behavior is understandable. If you are a mom, the last thing you want to witness is seeing your children hurt. That tends to make our mother-bear instincts rise up. We become fiercely protective of our children’s health and safety.
If your estranged spouse has shown patterns of abuse, you should seek legal advice to protect yourself and your children immediately. You may need a protective order or a restraining order. You may need to take steps to prevent your spouse from having access to the house, or to have supervised visitation with the children.
Document any and all abusive, threatening behavior by your spouse and file police reports when possible. Document, document, document!!
Divorce Tip #6
Another Word on Boundaries. If your divorce has been contentious, you may want to exchange the children somewhere neutral. This is for you and your children’s best interests and will help with your peace of mind and safety. A local fast-food restaurant or grocery store parking lot can be a great neutral choice for divorced parents instead of your individual homes. This is where a struggle of power and turf can take place. It may be wise to have a friend or relative accompany you to the exchange. In cases where there has been physical abuse, have the exchange at your local police station.
Divorce Tip #7
Keep A Record. Remember how we said, “document, document, document”? Keep a journal of all conversations, incidents, etc. between you and your estranged spouse. If anything negative occurs between them and the children– document it.
An example of a situation to document could be as follows: your spouse emails you the time and place of your son’s soccer game. You arrive to the location, but no one is around. You then realize they purposely gave you the wrong information so you’d miss it. If you’re in this situation, take a photo of the location and then email it to yourself. The email will have the date and time showing you were there at the time your spouse specified. You also have copies of their email showing the wrong time. Now you have evidence if you end up in court.
Divorce Tip #8
Do not engage. Now, let’s tie together Tips 4 and 7. While you are documenting everything, they could be documenting everything as well. You already have stopped participating in “text wars” (you did stop that… right?) Let’s go a bit further and say this: Communicate with your soon to be ex only when it is necessary.
Of course you have to talk, text, or email with them about the kids, or perhaps about a bill payment or something that has to do with the house. But keep it short and to the point. This creates less of a chance you will say something in the heat of the moment that will come back to bite you later. Remember to always be polite and civil. If you find yourself getting sucked into a conversation and losing your temper – DISENGAGE.
Divorce Tip #9
Hire an attorney who is balanced in compassion and strength. Whether you prefer someone who is more compassionate or direct, you have hired an attorney because you need someone experienced in wading through the legal system. It is so important to hire someone you feel comfortable with and whose desire is for you to have a favorable outcome.
You may believe you need an aggressive lawyer, but that could mean you have someone who unnecessarily ups your costs and your anger. Divorce is already emotional and contentious enough and that unnecessary intensity can be abrasive and difficult.
In contrast, if you hire a lawyer too soft-hearted, you may feel as if you are having to lead the battle yourself. Both scenarios can have drawbacks. It is best to find someone who has a balanced view, who wants to work amicably with the opposing counsel, but who also will step up and fight for you if and when it is needed.
Divorce Tip #10
When it is all said and done, Life is not over. Nobody enters a marriage believing that one day they’ll end up divorced. You are going to go through an adjustment, and that is going to take some time.
The good news is that the end of your marriage does not mean the end of your life! Any woman, from her 20s to her 80s, can have a fresh start and live happily ever after. How awesome is that? By all means, mourn the loss of your relationship. That is only natural. But then, look forward to the path ahead and what exciting new things it brings. Sure, you’ve been through hurt and heartache, but it has only made you stronger. Go live your best life!
“Living well is the best revenge.” – George Herbert
After reading the Top 10 Tips for Moms Getting Divorced, if you are interested in scheduling a consultation, contact us at 210-368-9708.
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